Overcoming People Pleasing
Finding Your Voice: Overcoming People-Pleasing and Embracing Healthy Boundaries
In a world that often values pleasing others above ourselves (especially as women), it can be challenging to find your authentic voice and set boundaries that honor your needs and values. People-pleasing, while initially driven by good intentions, can lead to feelings of resentment, burnout, and a loss of personal identity. However, by understanding the nature of people-pleasing and learning to set healthy boundaries, you can reclaim your power and cultivate more fulfilling relationships. So! Let’s explore some effective strategies to overcome people-pleasing and embrace the transformative nature of setting boundaries.
To set the stage, there are two points to keep at the forefront of your consideration. First, the kindest and most helpful thing you can do for everyone in your circle is to stand tall in your authenticity and use your voice to kindly and pointedly express yourself. Otherwise, we end up misleading people and getting ourselves into the realm of miscommunication. Secondly, boundary doesn’t have to be such a scary word! What if you reframed the word ‘boundary’ to ‘self-compassion’ or ‘sovereignty’.. this might help you reframe the concept of a boundary to be more grounded, peaceful and, as a result, inclusive of everyone’s wellbeing.
With those initial pointers in mind, let’s get into 5 ways in which you can find your voice and overcome people pleasing.
1. Reflect on Your Values and Needs:
The first step in overcoming people-pleasing is to gain clarity about your own values and needs. Take time to reflect on what truly matters to you, what brings you joy, and what drains your energy. By understanding your own desires and aspirations, you can start aligning your actions and choices with your authentic self. Remember, prioritizing your well-being is not selfish—it is necessary for your growth and happiness. Think about the concept of putting on your own oxygen mask before assisting others - if you ‘suffocate’ you can’t help anyone else breathe!
2. Challenge the Need for Approval:
People-pleasers often seek validation and approval from others, putting their own needs on the back burner. However, it's essential to recognize that you cannot control how others perceive or react to you. Let go of the need for constant affirmation and focus on self-acceptance instead. Remind yourself that your worth is not contingent on others' opinions and that it is perfectly acceptable to prioritize your own happiness and fulfillment.
3. Practice Assertiveness:
Assertiveness is the key to setting and maintaining healthy boundaries. Start by communicating your needs and preferences clearly, using statements like, "I feel ____ when ____ happens” to express yourself assertively but respectfully. That will be much more effective than putting the blame on the other person with statements like, “You did _____” and pointing fingers. This comes down to taking responsibility for your own wellbeing while also being clear with the other person about how their actions have affected you in a calm manner. Practice saying "no" when necessary, without feeling guilty or the need to over-explain. Remember, setting boundaries is an act of self-care, not a rejection of others. By expressing your limits, you create space for healthier and more balanced relationships.
4. Learn to Manage Discomfort:
Setting boundaries can be uncomfortable, particularly if you have been a chronic people-pleaser. You may fear disappointing others or facing conflict. However, growth often lies on the other side of discomfort. Embrace the temporary unease and remind yourself that your well-being matters. Surround yourself with supportive friends or seek professional guidance to help you navigate this process. Over time, as you witness the positive changes in your relationships and self-esteem, the discomfort will diminish. You are not bad or wrong for speaking up for yourself.
5. Cultivate Self-Compassion and Practice Self-Care:
Overcoming people-pleasing and setting boundaries require ongoing self-compassion and self-care. Be patient with yourself as you unlearn old patterns and develop new ones. Treat yourself with kindness, celebrate small victories, and be gentle during setbacks. Engage in activities that nurture your well-being, such as journaling, meditating, or engaging in hobbies you enjoy. Remember that self-care is not selfish; it is an essential part of creating a balanced and fulfilling life.
6. Bonus Tip: The Golden Rule(s)
Before speaking to the person you’re setting boundaries with, ask yourself 1. Is it true? 2. Is it kind? 3. Is it necessary? You can rarely go wrong from that place of compassion and clarity.
In conclusion,
Overcoming people-pleasing and setting healthy boundaries is a journey that requires self-reflection, self-compassion, and courage. By understanding and honoring your values and needs, challenging the need for approval, practicing assertiveness, managing discomfort, and cultivating self-care, you can break free from the shackles of people-pleasing and discover the joy and authenticity of living life on your own terms. Embrace this transformative process, and watch as your relationships become more fulfilling, balanced, and aligned with your true self.
++ Stream 🎙The Lifted Podcast to deepen your healing journey. Love, Helen
